Breaking the cycle

So, I’ve been pondering over what to discuss for my next blog. Should it be about present day? Should it be about events in the past? What should the subject matter be? etc.  In the end without delaying the blog any further, I decided to settle on a topic which is of  universal interest, “Dating and sex!”

However, before I start, I should give you a little more background about myself. I have not had much experience dating as I dated and then subsequently married someone I was with for 18 years which I absolutely have no regrets about as I have two beautiful children from that experience. But my advice to everyone out there is DO NOT marry your childhood sweetheart as you will both inevitably change and grow tired of each other or in my case, one of you will grow up and the other won’t. He was and still is the biggest tosser on the planet but that’s a story for another day. As a result, I have not had much experience dating and now at the ripe old age of 42, I find myself experiencing what most of you have in your 20’s and 30’s. However, I use the word “experience”,  very reluctantly as any action on the dating or sex part has been pretty non existent. Firstly, where do you meet decent men? Secondly, I really am not looking for a deep meaningful relationship leading to marriage (just the thought sends shivers down my spine!) and I’m also not looking for a one night stand (which I have experienced and it was dire!). So a “friend with benefits” is more what I’m after.

I’m pretty rubbish at the art of flirting and also letting the other person know I’m interested. As soon as I see someone remotely attractive, I clam up and become all bashful and shy which is so not who I am as a person. Maybe that’s why I’ve not had much luck with men but a woman has needs and not too long ago I found myself precariously close to hitting the 2 year mark of no sex, no human touch, no kissing, no cuddling and I was so ready to “break this vicious cycle!”

As I was fast approaching the 2 year mark of unintentional celibacy, I was adamant to do something about it. I had to, otherwise I was invariably risking the chances of developing a nervous twitch (Yes, it does happen!) due to the lack of sex and there was no way I was going to let that happen. So what can a person do in a situation like this? You go and search the internet of course, duh!!

I initially signed up to a few dating sites where you had to complete an array of questionnaires and psychometric tests so that they could match you with a suitable partner. Too boring, but I still kept an open mind as I had a mission to complete. I didn’t get a single response! Nothing! Nada!! I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I would say I’m fairly attractive and look okay for my age so I was quite disheartened that no one labelled as “relationship material” was remotely interested in me. With no luck on the “normal” sites, I started dabbling on the sites where people are pretty much there for one thing and even there only a few people ( I say people but their profile pictures suggested their faces looked like balls and penises) contacted me until one day, a fairly decent and clean looking ( I border on OCD regarding cleanliness; a possible side effect of no sex? Possibly) 28 year old got in touch with me and he was actually a pretty normal guy. We chatted for a few weeks, exchanged photos, he told me about his work, the 5 aside football team he played for, tastes in music, etc and I actually kind of started looking forward to our chats. I was pretty straight up from the onset about what I was looking for and he seemed fine with that too as he was up for the “older woman” experience.

So the day of the meet arrived. The plan was to meet for drinks and dinner just to see if there was any chemistry and if all went well we would meet another day to do the “deed”. Before I continue, I must point out that things or events never ever go as planned for me. There is always inevitably some unexpected hiccup or unforeseen change along the way so I always mentally prepare for the worst. I had many concerns, what if he looked completely different to his photos? What if he had a really annoying voice? What if he had BO? What if there was no chemistry? etc. Many questions were going around in my head and mentally I was addressing each one of them but the whole time not losing sight of my ultimate goal which was to “break the goddamn cycle!!”

We decided to meet outside a centrally located tube station and as I’m a sucker for punctuality, I was there first. I spotted and recognised him from a distance. Phew! He looked exactly like his photos but hang on… is he limping towards me? Oh no, he’s dragging his left leg, oh no, he’s also leaning to the left slightly, is that a prosthetic limb? Oh no! He’s disabled!!! I had not mentally prepared myself for this!!  But he told me he played football! I thought to myself. Why did he never mention this!!?? A terrifying thought entered my head,  OMG! Can I actually fulfill my mission??!! Okay, he’s in front of me now, “Hi!” I said not knowing what else to say and trying hard not to stare at his leg. We walked towards the restaurant..slowly  and actually ended up having a very pleasant evening. There was definitely chemistry there so we decided to meet each other again.

As my mission was foremost, well actually the only thing, on my mind, I couldn’t wait to meet again but (as  mentioned, things are never simple for me) could not set a date as my sister was about to give birth to her first child and I was the designated on call person. However, when the due date went over by 2 weeks, I couldn’t take it anymore.  We arranged to meet at a hotel but then HE got cold feet. “Noooooo!!” I thought to myself. I’m soooo close to ending my drought and the mission has to be completed. I mustered up every possible power of subtle persuasion I had, to calm him down and reassure him AND we finally met.

It was good!!!!! Hallelujah!!!! The cycle of celibacy was broken!!! Imaginary church bells were ringing, people were applauding, my soul was at peace and to top it all off, my sisters’ water broke early that morning giving me the perfect excuse to rush off without having to deal with any awkward goodbyes. My mission and life was complete!

We actually never met again. He had met someone else (on that same site I must add), closer to his own age that he wanted a relationship with. So I wished him well and privately thanked him for helping me fulfill my mission which he absolutely had no idea about.


My first ever blog

I absolutely wholeheartedly believe that I am not the only one who feels this way and that there are many more, both males and females, out there just like me.

Descendants of the rave generation and club scene (think Human Traffic) who have now found themselves in a corporate job, married (or divorced), with kids, thinking about a financially secure future but sensing this unfulfilled feeling. Thinking “How or when did this happen to me?”, “I still love music and dancing!”, “I still enjoy going out”, “I still want to get wasted and feel the euphoria I felt when younger, without being judged”,  “I still want to hang out and party with my mates and not during the time frame dictated by childcare”, “I don’t want to conform to this image of how a parent should be just because society says I should” etcetera, etcetera . Notice I didn’t mention career fulfillment which really calls for another separate blog.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I believe you only live once (“YOLO” as it likes to be called these days) and you have the right to be happy and lead the life you want regardless of what society dictates while still being an amazing, responsible parent and human being. This is something I have absolute belief in and try to lead my life by.

This blog is about my trials and tribulations of trying to lead a fun, fulfilled life while juggling a full-time career in IT (I know! Why do you think I look for fulfillment outside work!?), being a single parent to two children aged 6 and 11, trying to manage everything on a very basic budget but always keeping my life as exciting as I can, otherwise what’s the point?!! I must mention I am not a drug addict, an alcoholic, a gambler, a recluse, a weirdo, desperate, etc. I am just a regular, responsible person like the most of you but I refuse to let society dictate who I should be or rather I really don’t give a shit.

My name, lets say for obvious reasons, is Anon and this is my first ever blog. I hope you enjoy reading about my life and all the things I get up to which not always works out the way I intended it to but I do have a laugh on the way which is massively entertaining for my friends who actually inspired me to write this blog. This blog is purely to entertain you and maybe inspire you a little along the way.